


Why do I love you?

by orphan_account



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Self-Hatred, Suicide, and gerard's a bit of an asshole, frankie is sad aw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-22
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-04-27 12:29:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5048596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This so called 'relationship' wasn't right. Of course it wasn't.<br/>But Frank just wanted Gerard to be happy, since his feelings didn't matter.<br/>He regrets everything, and especially hates himself</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. In love and self hating thoughts.

**Author's Note:**

> Heyy! This is a new fic I've been working on and I really hope you like it! I'm not too sure how often I'll update this but I'm thinking about every week, that's if I'm motivated to do so.  
> Twitter for fic updates: https://twitter.com/PensOverKnives

They were friends... right? Or... at least friends with benefits.

It was just another night. Gerard and Frank were acting horny as hell. With all the touches, small moans, and tiny whimpers. The the 'fuck me's' in between breaths, and crashing lips and sliding tongues.

Then there was the friction in their jeans, and Frank was practically begging Gerard to fuck him.

Gerard leaned down, and whispered in Frank's ear, “I'm gonna treat you so good, baby.”  
__

Nobody knew of this odd relationship, or at least to their knowledge.

After they were done, Gerard and Frank were cuddling naked. 

Both were sticky with sweat, and Gerard's brown hair stuck to him. Earlier he had licked off the cum that was on Frank's stomach, and he licked other places too. 

They were too tired to get up, and have a shower though.

Gerard's finger traced one of Frank's tattoos. His lips curling into a smile.

“I love it when you beg,” he mumbled.

The shorter male just made a small noise in response, finding what he saw was embarrassing.

Frank cuddled closer to Gerard. He placed his head under Gerard's chin, and Gerard begun to trace over the places where small bruises were beginning to form on Frank's hips.

Even though this 'relationship' – if you could even call it that, had nothing to do with commitment, and feelings for one another. 

Though Frank did have feelings for the brunette, but he would never say it even if he was confronted.

Considering the fact Gerard didn't have those kinds of feelings for him, and Frank knew this because he had stated this right from the start. That had hurt him a little- no not a little... a lot.

Frank closed his hazel eyes, and shoved that thought to the back of his mind. He didn't need that right now. All the black haired man wanted- no... needed, was Gerard.

Even though Frank knew he had to leave soon, because that's just how this thing worked. After sex; Frank would leave, and then come back whenever he wanted. Gerard didn't mind, rather in fact he loved it. 

Plus occasionally they would talk sometimes too.

Frank laid his head on Gerard's amazing man chest. He listened to Gerard's steady breathing and rhythmic heartbeat, and for some reason it made his own heart race. Perhaps it was because of Frank's feelings.

“Are you sure you don't want a shower?” Gerard inquired. He moved to look at Frank's pretty face. His brown eyes meeting Frank's hazel eyes.

Frank paused, and thought about it for a few moments. “Actually...,” he started to say, and wetted his lips because they were pretty dang chapped. Slowly he climbed off the bed. “I think I will,” he mumbled.

Frank grabbed his clothes from the floor quickly, and walked into the connecting bathroom. He turned around and closed the door behind him.

During this, Gerard got up and put on a clean pair of boxers then laid back down.

Gerard liked this. He liked how things were, and how nobody suspected a thing. Or at least he didn't think they did, after all they never mentioned it. 

He was quite content, but he was completely unaware that Frank wasn't. And he'd never know.

Frank would never tell Gerard his feelings, because it would ruin what they have. Hell! It'd ruin the band's image, and that's the last thing he wanted.

Frank stood in the shower, the water cascading down his skin, and his head pressed against the green tiled wall. He let out a sigh and stayed like that for a minute or two.

'He'll never love me...' Frank thought. He closed his eyes.

'I'm better off alone. I don't need him, and he most certainly doesn't need me'

Frank paused before his thoughts continued. 'Maybe I should stop seeing him all together and-'

He shook his head, and cleansed his mind of those thoughts. 

He opened his eyes.

Franks washed his body and hair. He scrubbed vigorously for both, just so he could focus on the pain rather than his mind. It wasn't healthy to do this, but Frank didn't give two fucks at the moment.

Afterwards he turned off the water, and walked out of the shower. He dried himself off, and put his cloths on. 

The clothes were a little too goth for his tastes, but whatever. Clothes were clothes.

He stood in front of the mirror, and looked at his reflection in anger and hatred.

Fuck him for falling in love with an asshole that only wanted him for sex. 

Frank was half tempted to punch the mirror, but that'd get him nowhere. And it would cause more problems than solve them.

The man sighed, and ran a hand through his wet hair. He needed to brush it so he looked around for a brush he could use. 

Eventually he found one, and brushed it neatly.

Gerard was reading a comic book he had picked up a few weeks ago, but once he had heard the shower turn off he sat up. He placed the comic on his nightstand to his right, and waited patiently for Frank to return.

He would say his goodbyes like he usually did, and then they'd part ways... for now.

When Frank did walk out of the bathroom, he smiled at the sight of Gerard. 

Gerard smiled back. He stood up slowly. 

“I'll... uh... be heading off now,” Frank shrugged as he said that. 

“Okay, hold on though. I'll walk you to the front door,” Gerard stated. 

He grabbed a pair of jeans and a random shirt laying around on the floor, and quickly threw them on.

Both of them walked to the front door, and Gerard opened it for him. 

He looked down at Frank, and into his eyes. Gerard ruffled his hair a little. A smile plastered on his lips.

Lips that Frank loved to kiss.

“Call me, okay? Like you know.. if you need anything or whatever-”

“No it's fine, but thanks anyways,” Frank cut the brunette off. He tried to sound cheerful, he tried to sound just like himself. He hoped that it did sound like himself.

The taller man nodded, and said, “alright then, but still.”

“Yeah, yeah... I know,” Frank said. “Thanks.

He put his shoes on and then left Gerard's house. He heard the door close shut behind him.

Though Gerard began to have a strange feeling well up inside of him. Was something wrong with Frank? It felt like it... but Gerard shrugged it off as nothing. 

Frank just seemed more quiet. Gerard reasoned though that he was probably most likely tired. 

Or maybe it was more. He briefly thought of running out, and letting Frank spill his guts to him. But that seemed stupid.

It seemed really, really stupid.

It was a clear night. The air was cold and crisp, and it nipped at Frank's bare skin. But he didn't care much.

He began to walk to his car when his eyes noticed a reflection of the moon in a puddle. Since it had rained earlier.

Frank glanced up at the pale white rock in the sky. 

'You look so lonely up there Moon' Frank thought before looking back to his car.  
He pulled out his key, and unlocked the car door. The raven haired slid into the car slowly, and turned the engine on.

Frank hated himself.

He hated himself for loving Gerard.

He hated himself for thinking that no one would love him back.

But he guessed that didn't matter.. now did it?

Frank started to think though. Was he bad? For Gerard to not love him back? After all the bullshit they've gone through together?

He backed out of the parking spot, and begun to drive away. His hands gripping the steering wheel so tightly, his knuckles turned white.

Frank's hazel eyes watered. He should just fucking give up.


	2. Broken and Worthless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So basically..Frank is really sad and of course, he's home alone. He thinks too much and bad shit happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter ! This one took me a while but managed to plan it at my girlfriend's place last weekend.  
> This is really angsty and it's only gonna get worse in the chapters hah
> 
> Check out my twitter for updates! https://twitter.com/PensOverKnives

It was midnight when Frank finally got in the door. He hadn't even realized how late it was.

The black haired man kicked his shoes somewhere on the floor. He was too lazy to tell, and with the light being turned off he could barely see.

He locked the door behind him, and begun to make his way to the living room. 

Frank was much too lazy to turn the lights on, so it was fortunate he had memorized the layout of his place. Then again, you don't live in a place for a few years without figuring things out.

When he finally found the couch, he plopped onto it. Fuck sleeping in an actual bed tonight.

Fuck everything...

The man curled up into a ball. He was exhausted, yet he was unable to find any sleep. How fun.

He was beginning to lose his patience because of his mind, and being unable to sleep didn't help much either.

Frank could feel his eyes watering, and a few tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Stop it, you dummy,” he mumbled, and wiped away his tears. 

Though it was no use, the tears flowed freely from his eyes. He sat up, and broke down.

Loud sobs coming from his body. He held his arms, and thought 'I'm so fucking stupid. Why am I even still here?' 

He paused for a moment before thinking 'oh right... the band...'

'But then again' Frank smiled sadly. 'They could always find a replacement...'

He tried to calm himself, and to quiet his sobs. But it was too much for him. He was starting to shake because of the breakdown. 

Well... thankfully he lived alone. He would hate it if somebody saw him...

'Stupid, stupid, stupid! I'm not worth anything!' Frank bitterly thought. 'I could throw myself off a bridge, and he wouldn't even care.' 

No. No... that's a bad idea, and Frank knows it.

Yet he couldn't help but think that. 

He felt like he was drowning in his disastrous world, or waiting for a time bomb that'll blow any moment.

Frank shook his head, and tried to calm himself again. He laid down, and curled into a ball. He hugged himself tightly to feel safe. He hated this, but what could he do?

Nothing... he could do nothing.

The man closed his hazel eyes and waited for sleep to overtake his mind. 

He felt the tiredness start to take over. He was thankful that he wouldn't have to think for a while, and he couldn't stand to be awake any longer either.

A few more tears dripped down his cheeks and his last thought before he fell into a dreamless sleep was 'maybe he'll never love me...'

-WDILY-

Frank awoke the next morning. His back ached terribly, but that's what he gets for sleeping on his shitty couch.

He really should replace it, but with so many things to do, it just kept slipping his mind.

The black haired man sat up and groaned a little. He still felt like shit though, but that was no surprise. Not like he expected sitting up to miraculously fix all his problems. Though that'd be amazing if it did.

He adjusted so his feet were dangling over the couch. His foot touching on something cold and hard.

Frank reached down, and picked it up with his slender fingers. He inspected the object, and quickly realized it was his phone.

He had a feeling that Gerard probably sent him a billion texts and voice messages, but Frank wasn't willing to deal with more emotional break downs.

The man slid the phone into his pocket, and right after this action his stomach growled at him.

This signaled that he should get some fucking food in him before he threw up acid.

He stood up and stretched his arms. He heard a few bones crack, but that was about it.

Slowly he walked into the kitchen. The sun had already risen, and it had brightened up the house. Though this didn't make him feel any better.

Frank opened a cabinet to grab a glass bowl, but it just slipped out of his grasp and fell helplessly to the floor. 

Before Frank could even realize what happen, the bowl shattered loudly on the floor. Shards of glass being thrown every where.

Frank's response was to yelp and jump back. He hoped he wouldn't step on any of the shards.

He cursed under his breath and looked down at the shards. A thought entered his mind.

'It's just like me,' he told himself 'broken and I could cut anyone if I tried hard enough. Broken and worthless.' 

It wasn't even 11 o'clock yet, and already his mind was tearing him apart piece by piece. 

Frank just couldn't get a break, now could he?

The raven haired man felt a sensation in his pocket, and quickly realized that it was his phone vibrating. Somebody was calling him, and they had the worst fucking timing.

He pulled the phone out of his pocket, and answered with a simple, “h-hello?” 

He had no idea who was calling him, since Frank hadn't bothered to check the ID.

“Frankie?” He heard the person on the other line say. He knew who it was now. “Are you okay?”

“Uhm... yeah.. I'm fine. Why?” Frank responded.

“You just seemed a little off last night... are you sure you're okay?” Gerard asked again with concern lacing his voice.

Frank froze and took the phone away from his ear. He pressed the hang up button.

The man didn't want to lie to Gerard, but he also didn't want to speak the truth.

He put the phone back into his pocket. 

The black haired man carefully walked over to the closet, and brought out a dustpan. He cleaned up the broken shards up and placed them in the garbage which was under the sink.

Afterwords, Frank sank to his knees. He felt his phone vibrate again, but he didn't answer it. What was the point anyways?

'I can't do anything right...' he told himself, and hung his head down low. He was so fucking miserable.

Frank hated this. He hated it so fucking much.

-WDILY-

Gerard, on the other hand, was worried as fuck. 

He had written some lyric ideas to keep his mind off of Frank, and to remain calm. 

But that had gone out the window after Frank had hung up.

The brunette briefly thought of driving to Frank's house to make sure he was okay, because obviously now that wasn't the case.

Gerard called again, but no answer again. 

He left a voice message saying, “hey Frank. I'm coming over okay? I just... I just want to make sure you're okay. Please... just.. don't do anything.”

Gerard waited for a few moments to check if Frank had heard it, but it had apparently only sent it.

That made him more uneasy.

He quickly grabbed his coat, and put his shoes on. He grabbed his keys ,and walked out the front door. 

He locked it tight.

The brown haired man shivered. It was pretty cold out right now. Already he could feel the frost settling into his hands, and he could see his breath fogging up.

'Please answer me back' Gerard thought to himself as he rushed to his cars. His feet thumping as he walked on the pavement.

He looked at his lawn briefly which had dead grass, but he couldn't do much about it. 

The man arrived at his car, and quickly got into the front seat. He turned the car on, and turned the heat on as well. Then he begun the drive to Frank's house.

-WDILY-

Frank was sitting on the kitchen floor, his back pressed against one of the cupboards. He was sobbing uncontrollably, and gasping for air every once in a while.

He didn't want Gerard. He didn't want him to come here, and comfort him. He wanted him to leave him alone.

Yet.. at the same time he wanted all of that.

He heard a knock on the front door soon enough, but it was more like banging. He also heard someone, which he figured was Gerard, calling out his name.

He sounded upset and desperate.

Frank heard Gerard opening the door on his own. Since he had forgotten that he had given the brown haired man a key in case of emergencies. 

“Frankie? Where-?” Once Gerard heard the muffled sobs, he quickly rushed to the kitchen.

His brown eyes quickly finding Frank.

He made slow steps towards the man, noticing that his state wasn't the best at the moment.

“Frank...,” Gerard started “what happened?” He asked with concern.

Frank didn't respond immediately. He looked up at Gerard with a blank look before responding.

“W-Why do you wanna know?” He bitterly snapped. “You don't fucking care!” Frank was crying more now.

Gerard felt his heart shatter into a billion pieces once he heard those words coming out of Frank's mouth.

“F-Frank! But I do care!” He exclaimed. “I care a whole lot..,” Gerard stated a lot quieter. He decided keeping his distance would be good.

Frank stayed quiet, and he wanted to wipe away his tears. But frankly, he just couldn't be bothered. 

Oh how weak he was. 

He was stupid, he was weak, he was sensitive, and most of all he was clingy.

Why would Gerard want somebody like him?

All he thought were horrible, horrible things. 

“N-No you don't,” Frank hiccuped. “T-this isn't work-working out...,” he choked out. 

“What? What do you mean?” Gerard inquired. He was quite confused as to what Frank meant.

“This fucking r-relationship or whatever!” He shouted at Gerard, which surprised the man briefly.

“Oh...,” was all Gerard managed to say.


	3. You are (not) Loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank's world was wrong, and Gerard made it a thousand times worse, but now it was time to destroy his own again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry for this being late! My mental health hasn't been the best lately and so I've had a hard time trying to get my motivation back, but now I'm back and hopefully you'll see more from me.  
> Also I have no clue where I'm going with this lol  
> Twitter for fic updates: https://twitter.com/PensOverKnives

Gerard stared down at the mess named Frank Iero in shock and confusion.

What...,” He trailed off in a soft voice. “What are you saying? That it's not working out?” He questioned. 

Frank was quiet for a few moments before letting out a sigh. 

The raven haired man stared at Gerard in anger. 

“I fucking love you!” He yelled with such intensity. 

It caused Gerard to take a step back.

“You asshole,” Frank gritted his teeth and glanced away. A moment later he looked back at Gerard, and continued, “but you wouldn't know that, now would you?” His voice laced with venom and bitterness.

“Because you're too god damn oblivious to the world around you,” Frank hissed. He wrapped his arms around himself, and hugged himself tightly. “After all it isn't the world and Gerard, it's Gerard and Gerard.”

“Frank... I...,” He started to say, but he was quickly cut off by Frank yelling some more.

“I've been fucking in love with you since the start! Why the hell do you think I even joined the band?” The black haired man yelled. 

Gerard was flabbergasted.

“You know.. I still remember what you said about this fucking relationship. That you'll never love me,” Frank told him. “And guess fucking what!? It's been killing me knowing you'll never feel the same way about me. It's been dragging me down to the point where I don't want to be here anymore!” He sobbed.

The black haired man fell silent. 

“I... don't know what to say... I'm sorry.” Gerard said, and took a step forward. “But you shouldn't love me anyways.” 

“You don't think I know that?” Frank curtly stated. He let out a curt bitter laugh. “I can't help who I fucking love Gerard.”

Gerard sighed a little, and then said, “you should probably stay away from deep water. Because your heart is a rock and you would sink to the bottom and drown.”

The moment he said that though, he regretted it. So, so very much.

Frank's face displayed his shock before it quickly contorted to rage.

“Oh that's fucking precious coming from you!” He growled. “I think that it'd better apply to you asshole!” 

The two were silent for a moment before Frank spoke again.

“Fuck you. Just fuck. You.” He begun to stand up. He quickly drew his left hand back, and let out a yelp of pain. A small piece of glass he hadn't caught had gotten lodge into his hand. 

“What happened?” Gerard asked worriedly, and quickly rushed over to him. He grabbed Frank's hand, and observed the small bleeding wound on his palm.

Gerard froze as he felt, and heard the unmistakable sounds of a slap. 

Frank had slapped him with his right hand. 

Gerard stumbled back a few steps in shock, and placed a hand on the burning cheek that was slowly turning red. 

Frank stumbled to his feet. “Don't. Fucking. Touch me.”

“O-okay.. okay..,” He meekly stated.

He should've expected that, but he really hadn't. The brunette rubbed his cheek. Damn that slap had hurt a shit tonne.

“I'm sorry...,” he mumbled, and turned to walk out of Frank's house.

“Yeah, you better fucking leave!” Frank yelled. “And don't try to call or text me either!” 

Gerard rushed out of the house, and Frank heard the unmistakable sound of his door slamming shut. He knew Gerard was gone now. 

He sighed and walked to the washroom where he'd take the glass out of his hand, and wash the blood off. Even put a band-aid on it. 

-WDILY-

Gerard drove and drove. 

The brunette had no particular destination in mind. But he knew he was upset and pissed.

There were so many questions that were left unsaid, but Gerard guess they didn't really matter anymore.

But most of all, he was worried about Frank. He knew his mental state wasn't the greatest, but he since he had been told to leave he couldn't make sure he wouldn't do anything he'd regret.

Though at least he'd be able to see Frank next week, since the band was going to meet to record songs for their 5th album even though they were too sure about it yet. But it was better to get something done than sitting around twiddling their thumbs doing fuck all.

He was a fucking horrible person. He should have never told Frank that. Hell they should've never even done this stupid thing. They should've stayed friends.. if that would even work out in the first place.

Well.. Gerard didn't fucking know anymore. He had fucked everything up, and he wasn't sure if it was for good or not. It probably was.

If only he wasn't such a piece of shit. 

For a brief moment Gerard wondered what would happen if he drove his car into the other lane, but he quickly stomped out that thought.

He sighed.

The man wasn't planning on going home yet. After all, all he would think about is Frank, and all the things they had done there. All the things he regretted doing there.

He turned on the radio and left it on the station it was. Gerard didn't give two shits about what was playing, he just needed to stop thinking. That is if music could even help him.

Gerard drove down the road getting further and further away from Franks house.

He passed many buildings that seemed as bright as ever as if nothing was wrong with the world. But the world was wrong, and it was all Gerard's fault. 

Gerard drove for a good hour, the music filling his ears and it actually made him stop thinking for a while.

But soon he began to think about what Frank was up too. He prayed to god Frank wouldn't do anything stupid, but he knew he wouldn't be able to stop Frank if he did do anything.

Those 'what ifs' running through his brain as they usually did.

The brunette parked in an empty parking lot for a moment. 

He curled his hands into fists, and punched the dashboard of the car. He didn't care how much it hurt. He didn't care if he ended up breaking his knuckles. He just needed to let it out somehow.

Let out all his anger and self hatred, and now confusion was added to the mix.

He really shouldn't blame Frank. It was technically all his fault. All Gerard's fault.

Gerard let his car run as his thoughts turned from bad to worse. He knew what he had to do. 

He pulled his phone out from his pocket, and quickly sent Frank a text saying 'I hope you're okay.' He hadn't been expecting a response.

The male sighed, and set his phone down after waiting for a few moments now. It seemed Frank hadn't even bothered to look at it. 

He picked it up again, and threw it into the back of his car. 

Gerard pulled out of the parking lot, and begun to drive home. 

His thoughts started to tell him how bad he was for treating Frank like that. How horrible he was for not loving him back, and how horrible he was because he had never noticed Frank's love for him.

He was abruptly brought out of his thoughts as a car honked it's horn loudly, and swerved around him. That made Gerard more aware of his surroundings, and he focused on the road.

As Gerard drew closer to home, he knew exactly what he had to do. Something he hadn't done in a while, but it was the only way to stop this.

He made a quick pit stop at a certain store, and he picked up a 12 pack of beer. 

After that he drove back to his place. While he was at a stop light he was half tempted to check his phone, but then he remembered he had thrown it in the back of his car. 

Gerard would maybe check it when he got home.

The brunette knew that he had to do this, even if it would fuck everything up even more. But in the end guess that's all he was really good at.

He would drink until he passed out, just like how he always did back in 2005.


	4. Nothing Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard's drunk off his ass and Frank doesn't want to live anymore, what could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so- I am so sorry for the long wait, my mental health has been getting worse lately and so I wasn't motivated to write for a while. I'm not going to go into detail but I promise you that I am okay, but still not mentally stable.   
> Anyways, as of now I am also writing chapter 5, but of course that wont be out for a while haha  
> Also! If you would like little hints for the next chapter, you should follow me on twitter https://twitter.com/PensOverKnives

Gerard's eyes stared down at his... 9th beer? 

He thought it was his 9th... but he couldn't be so sure. He wasn't sure how many bottles he had downed.

Though he could already feel the alcohol begin to creep into his mind and dull his senses.

It's been so long since he has done something like this. Though his reason was probably more selfish than back then.

Now he was drinking over someone. Someone he had used for sex. He had used Frank for sex and he felt so guilty about it. He knew that he basically threw Frank away like a used tissue... like he was nothing.

The worst part was he knew there was nothing he could do to fix it.

Gerard knew that he was the problem. Not Frank.

Frank didn't ruin his own life, Gerard did. 

He ruined Frank's life so it was completely and utterly reasonable Frank was depressed.

But that made Gerard worry greatly.

Back then he drank and abused drugs. He did it because he felt that everything was worthless, even himself.

Oh how some habits die harder than ever these days.

Everything seemed stupid now. His life, the band, the fact that he always treats people like shit in the end. 

Gerard took a long sip of beer and hiccuped.

He stood up and stumbled drunkenly over to his record player. The brunette remembered his ex wife, Lynz, had bought it for him years and yeas ago. 

The man noted that a vinyl record was already in so he decided to play it. Why go through the effort of taking it out, putting it back and putting another one in it's place?

But at least it wouldn't be silent now.

Gerard took another swig and moved back to the couch. He listen to the music that played and let out a sigh.

He took out his phone and checked it. No messages... but then again would like a bastard like him?

Gerard thought of himself as a disgusting piece of shit anyways.

Before Gerard even knew it, he was texting paragraph after paragraph. Word after word. Letter after letter to Frank.

He told Frank how sorry he was for causing him so much pain and suffering. He was so sorry for being so fucking oblivious too.

'FrnNK. I'm so o fckig soYr fo treaTng y u likkk shHhit. I koW I'm a hRrriLe perSoo, ad 'm srry AbuTTt erier too. I nrVer meAaaan t huUTt yO... raaLl. I jisssss hoPppe ou wN' o aNying. I kowwW hopp ou arrr ihHt ceran n tingg. Plees juuxt hAee me isteed. I woz'ttT moond, ut's not lie yu'rEeee awoe in atig m. Thoggh iyy mgtt akEe he ba=d a LittEEe weiD, but I ca!n daal wittth th0at. I had a feeling yu wovd me, but I puzhd it ataY like it zas nohhhing. I reelze hoEE stupII tha)t waz nd I knPw three't noIhiiing I caan d nooE...'

Gerard didn't bother reading it over, why should he? It was perfect. He sent it and he wasn't really expecting a response at all, but he hoped that Frank would at least read it.

That didn't matter though, because unbeknownst to Gerard, Frank had blocked the man's number an hour ago. The message would never reach him.

After he sent that, he ended up passing out after drinking the rest of his beer. 

Empty bottles were scattered about the living room. Some standing up and some knocked over.

Gerard's phone was probably thrown somewhere on the couch and the vinyl kept playing the same songs over and over again.

\--WDILY--

Frank glanced down at his hand.

It was still stinging with pain, though he didn't really care since nothing mattered anymore. Nothing.

He laid there on the couch, just staring up at the ceiling. 

He wanted to die. He wanted to die, because of how no one could really love him.

Especially not the one he loved. Though he still did love Gerard a little, despite everything.

Gerard was the reason why he wanted to die in the first place. 

Frank jumped slightly as his stomach growled loudly. When he realized what it was he chuckled slightly. 

He hadn't eaten anything today. That could be why his head was spinning. Though he was also thinking too much..

Frank didn't give a shit anymore. He didn't care what Gerard was doing, since he had blocked his number a while ago. 

Though it was weird.. the silence... 

Gerard and him would talk often and now the room was silent as his phone didn't make a single noise.

He sat up and let out a sigh. 

Even though he really didn't want to, he knew that he needed to eat. 

He stood up and slowly made his way to the kitchen. Reaching for the cabinet where he kept his mugs and grabbed one. 

This time he grasped it tightly. Though it did hurt a little.

Frank brewed a nice cup of coffee and made a sandwich as he waited. 

When both were done he looked out the kitchen window and sipped his coffee.

He was going to miss the view, and maybe the band too.

Oh who was Frank kidding? He'd miss everything, but he saw no alternative to this. All he knew was this was the only way to stop the pain. He HAD to do this. He had to. 

It would make everything so much better. No more suffering. No more sadness. No more anything. 

No more breathing with crooked lungs and blood pumping into a broken heart that could never be fixed. 

Frank leaned on the counter top and ate his sandwich. He continued to look outside though really he was lost in his thoughts.

The black haired man wasn't really thinking about anything in general.

When the sandwich was done, Frank went to the washroom where he looked in the medicine cabinet.

There wasn't really much inside of it. Only headache medicine and... sleeping medication that Frank didn't really remember having.

It was probably prescribed a few years ago and really it should have been thrown out. But Frank would do no such thing.

He grabbed the bottle and shook it to see if there was any still left. There was.

The younger male just wanted to cease to exist. And this medication would help him.

He placed the bottle on the counter and left it. He wasn't going to kill himself yet. He wasn't too sure when he was going to do it, but he'd do it eventually.

The raven hair man sighed softly and went back to the kitchen to continue drinking his coffee.

In all honesty, he wasn't scared to die. He was ready. But that was because it was his fate to be born and then die.

His fate was to be long forgotten and to be known as the guy who died from a broken fucking heart. His fate was to be replaced by someone better, someone stronger than he was. 

But god he just hoped that Gerard wouldn't break anymore fucking hearts. 

Fuck Gerard for doing this to him. Frank hoped that Gerard would burn in hell for what he has done. 

Suddenly, Frank remembered the band. 

They were supposed to meet up next week to record. It was then he knew it.

Before then, he was going to kill himself.

After that thought, Frank finished his coffee. He placed the mug in the sink and then went over to where he stored his paper and grabbed a piece. He also grabbed a pen.

He went back to the kitchen where he proceeded to write.

His hands began to shake, but he needed to write this certain note. Especially to Gerard.

The man who drove him to suicide.

The raven haired man wrote for a good while. He wasn't sure how long it really was, but it's not like it really mattered anyways. Frank hadn't bothered to keep track of the time.

Through out the writing, the trembling of his hands got worse. But it was better to write the note now than never.

He wrote his heart out on that piece of paper. He wrote down all of his pain, his hatred and thoughts. How he wasn't sorry for doing this. 

Frank still didn't have a specific date for this though. It could be tomorrow or the day right before the meeting. He really needed to figure this out.

When he was finished, he hadn't even realized it but his hand was now throbbing in pain. It was probably because of the shard from earlier. No it was most certainly because of the shard.

He cradled his hand and the pen dropped onto the counter. 

To be honest, he couldn't wait to die. It would be so damn easy. Just a few pills and suddenly Frank would be gone.

And nobody would even care.

Frank wouldn't call anyone when he finally did it, because he didn't want to be saved.

After all he's better off dead anyways.


	5. And so, It begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, Frankie says goodbye to everyone and gerard has no clue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! So this fic is slowly coming to an end, now that I'm on Winter Break for two weeks, I'm gonna try my best to also update Helping Hand, which I'm writing at the moment.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter!
> 
> Twitter for more updates: https://twitter.com/PensOverKnives

From the moment Frank woke up, he just knew it. He knew that this was going to be his last day on Earth.

This would be the final day of his life. Then, he would be gone forever. 

He sighed and closed his eyes. He could finally be at peace.

The man really wanted to see the beauty of things, ironic enough because he never thought himself beautiful. He wanted it until his last breath that would simply go to waste.

Frank knew that when his eyes closed for that final time, and with his insides hurting, he would never have to open those eyes and feel so fucking dead ever again.

He sat up and rubbed his eyes before opening them. He wrapped himself in the warm, poofy red blanket and climbed out of bed. 

It was wrapped around him like a cape. For a moment he felt like a powerful king.

Frank moved out of his room and headed down the hall. Slowly he trudged down the stairs and into the kitchen to make a coffee.

His hazel eyes glanced at the bottle of pills.

'No' he told himself. 'Not yet.'

“I can't wait for this to be over,” Frank thought out loud. He looked back to the coffee that he was brewing.

The raven haired man also had noticed that his hand was hurting a lot less now. He was able to ignore the dull pain now.

Frank heard a few birds chirping outside the kitchen window. 

He turned around and saw one perched on the window sill. The sun was shinning ever so brightly through the window.

The man's heart skipped a beat.

He knew that today was an odd day to die and how it seemed that the world didn't want him to leave.

But Frank knew that was a lie. The world was better off without him. 

Oddly Frank relished in the idea of no one knowing that he was going to die in a few short hours. He wouldn't be saved. He didn't want to be saved. 

Unless, by some miracle, he survived. But he was going to make sure he wouldn't. 

The coffee finished brewing and Frank's hazel eyes wandered over to the note that he wrote the day before. He had left it on the counter.

Frank walked over to it, with the coffee in hand, and decided to read through it once more. After all it was his final words and final goodbyes, he'd want it to be proper.

It was weird having a suicidal mindset. It screwed up your way of thinking after so long. It was messed up how he longed to live in complete darkness and silence in a morgue.

Yet, Frank could not think about anything else except him dying. Not even the consequences of his actions.

It's not like anyone would be sad anyways.

He was worthless. He wasn't pretty and all he did was whine and complain and cry. Nobody wanted somebody like him.

This was how Frank's mind worked.

Frank placed the coffee beside the note and went into the living room where he dumped the blanket. Then he went back to the kitchen for both the note and the coffee.

With both in hand he went back to the living room.

He set the note down on the table and sat on the couch.

To keep from killing himself now, Frank distracted himself by turning the TV on.

He watched some old movie to keep his mind off of it and drank his coffee.

Today was going to be a long, long day.

-WDILY-

Gerard woke up some time in the early afternoon. He wasn't sure yet since his phone was somewhere in the mess of beer bottles.

His head pounded as he sat up on the couch. It felt like it had been hit by a train multiple times.

It took him a moment to focus on his surroundings and just everything in general.

After a moment of sitting there, it hit him.

Gerard had fucked up. He had relapsed. He screwed everything up in his life now and he was back to destroying himself once more.

Was that the only thing he was good at? Destroying himself?

Now Gerard was screwed up, because there was no way to erase his mistakes. 

Which would be everything in his life because Gerard's life was an entire mistake.

Gerard knew he was sick again, but this time he was going to deal with it on his own.

The mans place was a mess and he remembered very little from the night before.

The vinyl had sometime stopped playing the music.

Gerard was going to clean his place up later, but right now he was dealing with this killer hangover and-

Worrying about Frank...

He jumped off of the couch and scrambled around the room as he looked for his phone.

He wasn't sure if Frank saw his text or not, but he wanted to make sure the raven haired man was okay.

Eventually he found his phone. It was half under the couch.

He grabbed it quickly and unlocked it. His eyes seeing that he had 1 new message.

Gerard's heart leapt for a moment. 'Frank?' He thought in hope and a little relief.

Only both of those were destroyed when he saw who it was.

Gerard's heart sank a little.

It was just Mikey.

He sighed and looked at the message.

'Hey Gee, I'm going to Frank's later to talk about sound ideas. Wanna come along?'

It had been sent at 10:05 AM. It was 1 PM now. 

That was the only text he had gotten.

He didn't answer back. What was he supposed to reply with anyways?

Frank didn't want him around – but then again would want him around?

Gerard locked his phone and placed it on the couch. He walked over to the closet so he could hide the bottles.

No one must know of his mistakes.

The brunette could feel his headache getting worse now, but he didn't care.

He just needed these bottles to be hidden.

In the middle of cleaning up his place, he thought of something horrible. He thought about the reason why Frank wasn't texting him.

And it was because he did something... bad.

But if he did, then Mikey or Ray would've most certainly called or texted by now. So everything had to have been fine, right?

Gerard shook his head as he continued cleaning.

He was vacuuming the floors and had the bottles in a garbage back out in the back.

The man was really trying to ignore the headache, but the pounding made him wince once in a while. It was that bad.

When he was done, Gerard got a glass of water and some medication for his headache. 

After downing the glass and the medicine he relaxed on the couch. 

-WDILY-

Frank was ready.

The last few hours had been fine, but now Frank could feel it. It was time. He had to end it all now.

He went and grabbed the bottles of pills before walking into the living room.

His heart began to race and his hands shook. He put the bottle down on the table for a minute or two as he prepared himself.

The house was dark. All the lights had been turned off and the curtains were shut. This was the way he needed it to be. It would be a peaceful and silent death.

The raven haired man's mind told him that it was the best way to go. With no one to bother him and he couldn't stop himself if he wanted to. 

His heart told him no, but what the fuck did his heart know? It was the cause of all this. Maybe if Frank was born heartless, none of this would've happened.

It was funny how Frank was going to end it all in a few minutes. 

The suicide note had been left on the table, untouched and neat. Just the way Frank needed it.

Frank could hear the clock ticking. It was ticking down his time. 

Frank picked up the bottle again and twisted the cap off. It had taken a moment because damn child proofing. 

He popped the top off and his stomach began to hurt even though he hadn't done anything yet.

His hazel eyes peering down into the bottle and he saw that there were quite a few pills still left. That meant there was more than enough to kill him.

Frank brought the bottle to hips lips and thought 'good bye' as he tipped it back and swallowed all of the pills.

He dropped the empty bottle and laid down.

Withing a few minutes Frank's stomach was killing him and everything was becoming blurry as black splotches danced around his vision.

This was it. This was how he was going to die, and for once he actually felt at peace.

Frank closed his hazel eyes and that was that. He could open them again, but his body began to convulse violently. Though some how he managed to stay on the couch.

A few minutes later, the convulsing stopped and his body relaxed. Though his liver was severely damaged and at this point it wouldn't be able to be replaced.

It would take days to find someone compatible to donate theirs. Besides he wasn't important so he wouldn't get it quickly like others would.

-WDILY-

Mikey knocked on the door once more. He's already called Frank numerous times and there was still no answer.

He was becoming more and more worried, because he knew Frank wouldn't be asleep at this time of day.

“God Frank, you better be okay or I swear...,” he mumbled under his breath and he knocked once more.

Fed up with no answer Mikey walked around the house to the back door. 

It was unlocked and he wasn't sure why he didn't think of that earlier.

Regardless, it wouldn't be unlocked if he was asleep. 

Odd...


End file.
